When I leave the house I decide that I would follow the “fake it until you make it” system. I am friendly, cheerful, and not whiny about the pain. I realize that being around a person who is in pain and who constantly reminds you they are in pain is uncomfortable for most people. Even the normal grunts, winces, sighs and other outward signs of pain cause people to be uncomfortable.

But this approach has not been too helpful for me.

Over the years I have discovered that dealing with constant pain is not a matter of just one treatment, one pill, one anything; dealing with pain is a matter of using any number of tools. I have run into many people who believe that there is one “thing” that will fix them. They spend their time fixated on finding that one thing. Maybe the mere hope of there being one thing is what gets them through their days. But I suspect that they are far worse off than someone who realizes that the magic bullet does not exist.

One acquaintance commented to me, as others have, that he envied me because I have so much “free time” and can do whatever I want. What a delusion. My day is spent trying to find positions that minimize the pain. I sit, stand, lie down, move, stay still, sit, stand, on and on. I take the pills that are supposed to alleviate the pain. I hope that today they work better than the last dose. Some times it works better than others. Some days the pain keeps me curled up in a ball and the pills just make me foggy. Some days I am able to leave the house hopeful that the pain will not come roaring back. Some days it does come roaring back.

I cannot plan anything without the caveat that I may be incapacitated and unable to fulfil an obligation. I have disappointed my wife numerous times. And even if the pain (which has its own capacity to fog the brain) is somewhat subdued the medication generally makes my brain function at a far reduced level than prior to my injury. My wife and sister have noticed that I am not as sharp as I once was. I wrote this post down to the last sentence and needed to get up, walk around and then lie down for a while.

When I go out I also have the constant fear that I will loose the strength in my legs and fall down. This happens about 4 to 6 times a week. The good thing is that I am usually seated or lying down when it happens. The bad thing is that sometimes I am not.

Add to this the near poverty I live in and I am not so sure that there is much to envy.